she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Randomize
