Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Randomize
