and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
