so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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