I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
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