I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
