I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
