Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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