I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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