Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
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