Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
