Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
