so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I have already put on my inside pants.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Randomize
