Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
