This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Randomize
