I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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