I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
