I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
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