I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Randomize
