Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Randomize
