I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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