My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize
