I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
Randomize
