Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize