You kept calling me your small dog last night.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
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