Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
