i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
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