That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
