Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
