I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
we dont know what were doing after yet. first up we have 90 beers and a party kit and fun hats.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
