I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
You've changed since you got that strap on
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
