I accidentally had phone sex last night
Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
