how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
This baby is an asshole
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
