Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Randomize
