Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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