I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Randomize
