i just had sex bonerless
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Randomize
