i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Randomize
