I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Randomize
