I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
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