now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
It's total crap. On a side note I watched a porn of 4 guys wrestling in chocolate then messing around with each other. It was like a dream come true
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
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