Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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