don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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