Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
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