uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
