not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
Randomize
