Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Randomize
