6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Randomize
