Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I think they should rename 16 and pregnant to "I was fucked in highschool and all I got was a baby and humiliated infront of the nation on MTV"
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
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