Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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