Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
can a guy be partially circumsized? cause i dont exactly know what i was lookng at...
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
