my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
