I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Randomize
