he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
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