Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
