cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Randomize
