Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
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