I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
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