I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Randomize
