i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
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