FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
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This is sufficient.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
