hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Randomize
